I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
