Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
