I just pynch a tree in the face
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
