My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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