TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
