fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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