I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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