i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
