Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
