Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
