Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
