I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
