the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
