i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Drunk is not a location!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
