I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
