We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
