Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
