I just made out with a guy for $7.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
