peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
