I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he was CRYING into my vagina
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
