im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
