We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
