Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
