Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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