Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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