Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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