You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
bring money and cleavage
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
