i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just forgot I was standing up.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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