This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
