Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize