New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
