Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize