i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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