I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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