Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
