another moral hangover. fuck.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
