mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
