im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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