Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
