i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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