A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
