Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
