She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
