Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
