great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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