Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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