I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
