It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
