Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
