i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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