im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
