Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You don't make any sense
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