my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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