We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
