Moan for me like Helen Keller
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
