I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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