I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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