nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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