I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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