I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
