this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
