I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
