I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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